When describing my inner landscape to my therapist today, I began explaining the two sides to my self worth, my projection of myself, and my internal dialogue. One side is wise, strong, passionate, graceful, confident, sparkly, steadfast, nurturing. The other side is prone to sabotage, negative talk, fear, resistance, darkness, emptiness. The polarity is very true to my Scorpio nature, everything is either this or that. ( Hm, bridging the gap, might be good to address in the meditations this week. All is one, right?)
I found myself examining these two interchanging facets of my experience as a human and marveled at the thought that up until today I had given that second side, the fearful side, so much of my inner essence. I actually gave it my inner child. That little girl who was scared and wounded and needed guidance - I had been categorizing her as a piece of the wounds. Instead of seeing the pure light that is her radiance and that essence is much, much stronger than the wounds. My inner child, my inner essence, is where I gain my silliness and strength. Not where I hide. How was it that I somehow twisted those together?
I am fortunate enough to be in a therapists office once a week, where I am aided in untangling these thoughts from around each other. The power of being seen by an outsider, a professional, who can help give words where there are only feelings, and who pries just enough to open the door to understanding, is remarkable. Somedays I would absolutely rather do anything else ( hi resistance, and impatience) but those are the days that I gain a sliver more clarity around why I sometimes hold myself back, why I fold under pressure of confrontation, why I have trouble believing that I am worthy and why I cry and crave alone time.
A co-worker asked me to share something interesting about myself with him. The question was rather benign, but I found myself stirred by it. Stirred by the fact that my mind went completely blank. For a few seconds I struggled to come up with an answer. To not completely throw him off, I threw out a joke about being a black belt in Karate... and a good liar. After the dust settled I shared that I am a yoga teacher - which is also a bit of a stretch (no pun intended). Sure, I have taught, but I do not currently teach and therefore I am actually a really good liar. In therapy today I brought up this conversation and my therapist had to hold back a chuckle. He often does this when I am caught up in my own bullshit. He'll laugh a bit and then ease into a heartfelt explanation of his inclination to chuckle. He laughed because 1. I am really fucking interesting - even if I have a lapse in summoning facts for a coworker. and 2. I am REALLY FUCKING INTERESTING. The way I think about and experience the world is interesting. The way I can see the emotions rising from a persons body is interesting. The workshops I am planning, the Womens circle I co-host, the books I read, the meditations I choose to participate in, the business ideas, the way I express myself through art. It's all interesting. Even if it's not sparkly and completely engrossing to the person asking the question - there is power in my expression, in my essence, on this planet. It's like when two photographers take a photo of the same landscape. You can see that it is indeed the same place on the planet but that each photographer has a certain perspective, a style, and that greatly changes the viewers experience of the photo. Some days I see my life through a rosy-hued tone that is sparkly and full of inspiration ( I happen to like those days the most). Other days my glasses are so tinted that I have trouble finding my way through familiar territory. It's my mission to take off those damn dark glasses and strengthen the relationship to my inner child - the one who is full of my true essence, my bright light, my most gracious expressions. I aim to merge her vibrancy with my wise, strong, patient, confident, nurturing, divine self who sees the world through colored lenses.
Do you ever feel divided? That one side of yourself somehow overpowers the other? Are you ever confronted with nasty self-talk that sounds not-too-unlike some curmudgeon-ly family member? Often our inner voices of shame and resistance and fear are actually just that - shame, resistance, and fear. Sometimes they are the voices that we grew up with that like to linger and say rude shit. Either way, I'm here for you. I'm here to let you know that every single person you admire has at least one of those voices in their head. You're not alone. Let's make better friends with our inner essence and shift the perspective we choose to see the world through.